Between Dreams & Reality

Often I don't dream ... I tell a lot of people that. Why? If I look back, I believe its because of the trauma that's happened in my life. I'm not sure whether its because I refuse to dream anymore or I won't allow myself to.

Before all the trauma -- I had such vivid dreams, unfortunately too real. They kinda echoed like deja vu & next thing I know, that dream did become a reality coincidentally. Some ... well maybe all of them were harsh, moments of where I see & feel death.

I'd remember being shot ... on a few occasions. Once was in the head, another time was the center of my neck ... the others were too hard to remember. The more vivid ones were so clear, the feeling of death just creeping around me, slowly just slipping away ... oddly enough ... one of those dreams almost literally killed me ...

I would find meaning behind the harsher dreams -- telling me I'd suffer a loss & next thing I know ... my world fell apart.

After the troubles in my life, the dreams haven't been there as often. If they were any, I'm not even sure what they mean -- some dreams I've had came back & another harsher dream has happened again -- to be honest ... I'm scared.

The only salvation I've found is when I do have sweeter dreams, being close, cuddling, holding, kissing & just feeling safe ... sometimes I wonder where those dreams are placed ... my hopeful wishing? Or something that'll become reality?

San Diego Comic Con 2010 - Day 3 & 4

(Caught this on the news after Comic Con Day 4)

I think after day 3 I totally completely checked out mentally & physically. It didn't help I had a party of of 7 (including) myself. Luckily I do remember what happened so...here we go!

San Diego Comic Con - Day 3

We had a reasonably early start only because today is Masquerade Ball. Traditionally I set out this day only to be in line, grab tickets & wait 'til Masquerade starts later that night. Since there was a party of 7 with me, we had to alternate times especially since I had my volunteer shift an hr prior to the Masquerade. It was fairly easy going; seeing people running down doing carmel dansen, folks cosplaying, taking pictures of cosplayers, signs of free huggers, con funk (geez its totally smelly) & waiting.

Like I had said prior, this would be different considering I was a part of actual staff. So when I went to inquire how many tickets per person they would give in line, I had learned (the fast way) that tickets for the Masquerade Tickets were available for staff who wanted to go, so I had gotten my tickets for my group way earlier than other people who were waiting 'til 3pm to hand them out. Either way I was waiting in line only because I wanted to be near the front of the line to get some decent seating. While I was waiting, I was able to chat with some people online since I had bothered to bring my laptop but it wasn't too long 'til I realized it was time to go to my shift. It wasn't so bad, watch more anime & relax. Kept in contact w/ my group and everything.

After 3hrs of my shift ... made my way back. I had let my group prior get some food for dinner so they ordered pizza. What was nice, they delivered right to the hall (I wish I was there for that lol) so I was able to have some pizza & wait 'til the Masquerade Ball started.

During the Masquerade Ball...

36 entries, over 240+ costumes to be seen. I admit, I was a little disappointed at the low participant count but I understood why, a lot of groups had grouped together & there were a lot more fun skits. From Puff the Magic Dragon, Viva Las Villains, Batman Beyond to Avatar vs. Avatar. Either way there were a lot of fun creative entries that made me laugh, overall it was very enjoyable. Well...until the half time show, they showed favorite fan made films from Star Wars & they did the same thing 'bout 2yrs ago...I guess they couldn't find any decent half time show folks who'd be willing to perform.

Either way it was a fun 'n wonderful night, I think I lost my voice that night.

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San Diego Comic Con - Day 4

The final day & we had a really late start. I didn't really arrive there 'til noon & even then I had my first shift at 1pm so I couldn't exactly wander the floor. I also found out Nexon was back once again & they had such an awesome freebee shirt they were giving out (my cousin was wearing one). So when I dropped my friends off, I had to go straight to where I was suppose to be. After watching more anime (and compiling a list of anime I wanna start watching) I had talk to some seniority staff to see if there was still that meeting afterwards...which...I....found out they did.

So after my shift, I went back to the floor, started scouting out what I wanted to buy. I had to ask my cousin to buy a few things for me since I was at my shift. So I have 3 new baby voodoo dolls (2 bears & 1 ox *which looks like a cow!*). I also wanted new cell phone charms so I got 3 gloomy bears (brown, black & blue). I think that was the extent of my spending, only because if I got any more plushies....I'm not quite sure where to place this in my room [side note: Plush count @ 60...80ish? idk...]

Near the end of the floor closing -- I never got to hear the announcement since I wanted to be early for the meeting w/ my section of the staff. I said hello to other staff volunteers & it was nice to finally meet more of them. The coordinators briefed all of us, telling everyone that everything went well & smooth, there were no problems & that we were all re invited to be apart of the staff for 2011. I'm looking forward to that...now where's that Comic Con count down again?

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Final Thoughts

Overall, this has been a fun experience & a change of pace from the past experiences I had before. I learned about more of what the staff does & how much hard work they put in...including the neat little perks & behind the scene stuff. Learning 'bout vendor exhibitioners have a 3yr or was it 5? As much as I'm sad to see this end, I look forward to next Comic Con & where I will be at in 1yr's time.

San Diego Comic Con 2010 - Day 2

Day 2 --

Luckily its been an easier day. I luckily didn't have to stay late for volunteering. I had a late start though having a nice breakfast before figuring out what to do. One we had food, get ready & head out we were on our way to Comic Con.

One of the panels I tried to get into was a bit difficult to get into because Trueblood & Bones were one of the few very popular panels people had tried to get through. Me & my group had found out Ballroom 20 was going to be full throughout the whole day so we gave up, chat & then split paths to do our own thing.

After figuring out what to do, I went to visit a friend who had their own booth & see how they were doing. From that point on it was onto Hall H.

We sat through several panels ...

• Don't be afraid of the Dark
• The Other Guys
• Priest
• The Green Hornet

Got to see some pretty popular folks - Will Ferrel, Eva Mendez, Mark Walberg & Seth Rogan are some of the few that were there. When The Other Guys panel had shown up, they were hilarious especially since Eva Mendez was flirting with a few jailbait teen guys & Seth Rogan wanting to get high with another girl.

After all that, went to see 2 more panels which were interesting, the future of manga & the greatest otaku. Luckily the day ended relatively early, able to eat, relax & eventually rest.

San Diego Comic Con 2010 - Day 1

A day to be volunteering and being in the madness. More to come...

Sorry it took me so long but I never thought Day 1 ended up being a really long day. When arriving at Comic Con, had to end up in the line to claim one more person's badge since they had arrived that day. The rest of my group had already split up so I ended up walking the floor until my first shift.

Did I say shift? Why yes, because earlier this week (more specifically monday) I was able to pick up my volunteer badge...volunteer? Well I dunno, it says technically I'm staff so I guess I'm staff! =D My first shift was over in the sci fi/action anime room which wasn't bad.

It really kinda gave me a reason to start listing anime I wanna start watching again. In-between starting a dvd & doing a head count for each dvd that was started, it wasn't so bad. I also claimed my t-shirt....its so neat! D: I hope I can get another volunteer spot next year.

Anyways, after my shift ended, to my surprise, a step back to old times ~ hotel was giving out free food. Like locusts (including me & my group) we ate! xD; It was so yummy. After the yummy food, I ended up relaxing & playing pokemon until my next shift at night. I ironically didn't realize I had 18+ anime to play & it was slice of life/romance....can we say ecchi exposed?

I have a new list of anime to start watching but we ended up not leaving the convention until 1am. Even though it was my 1st 2 shifts over at San Diego Comic Con -- its so much fun!

San Diego Comic Con 2010 - Preview Night

Greetings from San Diego! Over at the San Diego Convention Center, I am fortunate to be apart of this large comic convention once again in 2010. Luckily since I had gotten my staff badge on Monday, I really didn't have to worry much about the long lines, the wait, the people and the hassle.

The first night is preview night. So folks who haven't bought their preview night + 4 day passes are going to be apart of the fun tomorrow. From the looks of it, with additional hotels opening to accommodate more people coming in, this will be another full event. Unfortunately, not all the cosplayers were out in mass (and the very few I did see, I didn't have a camera readily available).

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Before I continue on, why preview night? Why when all the events, the panels, the glitz, the glamor & Hollywood will be there Thursday through Saturday? Two words: Sale deals. They only come around during Wednesday & Sunday. Wednesday for all the lucky con goers who went to preview night, vendors at the exhibition hall throw special sale deals only for that night. Sunday, well its the last day, vendors are looking to offload as much merchandise as they can, so what do they do? Sell sell sell!

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I can't even begin to emphasize -- so much free swag. Folks in the exhibitor floor made the best of what they're doing by giving out the most interesting swag so far. Oddly enough, one that I will mention off the top of my head is the bag that kinda doubles as a backpack which is pretty neat. Foam mega man hands is probably another mention worthy free swag that they're getting and last but not least the galactus headpiece a lot of folks were wearing...in mass.

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Fortunately I ran up & down the halls to scope out the whole place, figure out what I want or may try to buy on Sunday. Since it is preview night, there was a teeny bit more room for walking space but not by much I was able to walk through. The atmosphere, the fun & the company is proving to be very interesting this convention time this time around.

The Inspired

As I have mentioned before, I am quite the artist at heart. Luckily for me I haven't had any sort of artist block...yet. It is probably because of all the conventions I've been going to (Anime Conji, Anime Expo & San Diego Comic Con). Its really the atmosphere & being around all these other artists & art appreciators alike that give you that inspiration. My inspiration has extended to what I love to do.

From my online roleplaying:

(RP Cpl: Done early 2000)

To my current/past favorite MMOs:

(CoV char: Done early 2000)

(WoW Kallista: Done 2009)

Other than that...

I have a little habit that when I go out to eat at a restaurant, I usually end up drawing something for the waiter as a thank you for the wonderful service. Out of all the occasions I recall my two favorite moments. When somehow one of my drawings ended up over in a kitchen at Denny's & a waiter at a sushi restaurant came up & ask who drew on the receipt. When I had found out that I was a bit flattered & flustered from embarrassment, but overall, the feeling was positive.

Last but not least the other source of inspiration; friends, especially online friends who love what I have drawn for them. To be all honest, its been an honor, pleasure & most of all...fun for me to do this for them. Knowing they have a deep appreciation for the effort I had put really makes it that much more satisfying.

A Collection of Friends

Where does the meaning of friendships begin & end? I'm not really exactly sure about that in all honesty. The reason this comes up to mind is because jumping from one interest to another I've gained friendships but at the same time I've lost friendships as well.

Besides, before I even bothered to jump into the scene, I would be in online groups doing some random things but even then that was just pure social interaction & doing some things I enjoyed. Oh sure, in-between all that it wasn't just those online groups, I had dabbled in a little bit of online versus games, whether it was a version of online scrabble or online chess, it kept me thinking, but it didn't have the social interaction MMOs have these days. It is a little weird.

I started to lose the friendships I had gained in these online groups, not to mention never made any friends in a little friendly competition or two. I can't help but think and wonder if I made my way back there, would they still consider me as a friend?

The MMO scene was pretty neat I must admit, the social interaction & cooperation is fun not to mention addicting. Where have I been?

Ever since I was little, I've always loved comics, whether it was DC or Marvel or DH or whichever when I heard City of Heroes came out I did play this. I enjoyed the customization of each character & the storylines that were there. Granted, the play was a bit simplified, I did like it. Whether it was this or the follow up for it -- City of Villains, it was something definitely fun & new. The friends I had made, the super group I had made & everything was so fun, but unfortunately it did come to an end. Unfortunately saying goodbye not only to the game but to some really awesome people from there. Who knows though ... I may someday want to come back & play again.

This is one game I currently still play but not as often as I should. Recently I had been an unfortunate victim of hacking & to be honest, it did suck, considering they cleaned out a lot of items I had gotten in game & gold, also geez they were about to sell off my two other characters onto two different servers. Bleh, regardless of this almost having me commit to quitting, it has been a wonderful game to play. The game play itself is a little more complex in comparison to City of Heroes/Villains not to mention the lore & questlines tied in well to compliment the game itself. Granted I didn't start w/ the previous Warcraft games, I admit I have become another follower of Warcraft. The friends I do have & the others who I had met made WoW a bit interesting.

This is my current addiction as well. I'm not really sure why I still play this considering of its ups and downs on the north american server. What changes? Well it was first the company changes that had happen to GM changes & an accumulation of a lot of lovable fun friends, not to mention a FAM that are full of funny, creative & silly people. Not sure if I or will I quit but if I do, I know I'll miss these friends as well.

Now have I ever gotten close with any of these friends that I have made in any of these MMOs? Yes and no, only because they became really good friends to a point where I don't think I could ever say goodbye to. With the exception of City of Heroes/Villains where circumstances were beyond my control, the friends I've made were all wonderful but the ones I left I wonder if they still remember me, or consider me a friend.

Summer Films

Summer has been relatively cool until a couple of days ago. This sudden heat wave is just insane! Knee deep into summer & I still have one more convention to go to. Which one? I'll be heading over to San Diego Comic Con this year but not only as someone who'll be volunteering for the first time there. I've been going for far too long, this would a nice change of pace.

As you all may or may not know -- San Diego Comic Con has turned into such a big media event where new movie previews are usually announced. Hopefully the movies this time around will be a little more...I don't know...worth while? Not that I am complaining, so far the movies I have bothered to see this summer weren't...err...too bad. I missed a couple of others but its only because I'm not quite sure whether I really wanted to see them or not.

Either way ... what movies had I seen?

First off - Iron Man 2. After watching the first Iron Man I wanted to watch this movie. Overall I enjoyed it with the storyline & visual effects were wonderful tho I thought the first one was a lil better. I was inclined to watch it twice with two different groups of friends.

Oh I was really lucky to go about watching this. After watching Up. I had a really sad moment & I wasn't really quite sure whether Pixar was gonna do that again. When I ended up watching Toy Story 3 I honestly did love the storyline & all the little funny moments. Yes, it did even have a sad moment where I couldn't help but teary-eyed. I think it wasn't too bad, the girl who sat in front of me was bawling...I can't necessarily blame her.

Last but not least this movie. Honestly I tried to give it a shot but after hearing the reviews & unfortunately being a fan of the cartoon series. This ended up being one of the more disappointing movies I saw this summer. A lot of other moments within the series could have been added. It just felt a bit rushed which really left a sour taste in a lot of people's mouth. I tried to find a bright side, like if folks who haven't seen the cartoon series may find this passable but even then with the lack of feeling & acting...I'm not sure if that's possible.

Unfortunately...this director is cleared to direct another film. I'm pretty sure I won't be seeing it.

See, not too much of a variety of movies but I did try to make an effort. I imagine I missed maybe one or two more but I doubt that. With San Diego Comic Con coming around, we'll see what I'll have to look forward to next summer.

Intro of a careless danseuse

This would be an interesting step heading towards this direction -- after all I've been very visual recently with just the drawing I do day in and day out that I forget to write out my thoughts. I've learned with what I go through that I should find some way to write them out better than to keep them bottled up inside. I'd hate to be an emotional mess when my heart is just slowly starting to heal.

If I really think about what has happened in recent days, I'm pretty sure emotionally I'll never find that sort of perfection, whether its happiness, what I draw, what happens in my life, or matters of love. Maybe I should just be content with the moments as they pass? But if I do that ... how do I handle all discontentment I go through in-between that?

Well that's sorta easy:

• Drawing
• Music
• TV
• Video Games

Perhaps everything on top of that might be a little dangerous. Finding friendship, fun & drama (in a life filled with boredom). It certainly helps fuel the creativity when I do want to draw. Luckily for me I'm still on a creative streak for now.

Either way this has just been a path I barely tread anymore & choose to walk again. Only because it feels right to start sorting out these emotions again. So I won't feel anguish & regret when I am told I am loved. That I won't cry at night at moments that could've been. Then maybe I'll be able to properly feel again. Occasionally share the 'artistic strife' or 'artists block', the research & ordeals, the games, the fun, the friends & the ongoings. Sure they'll be all there...if I remember.